3/29/2007 Thursday

Dear All,

When I woke up this morning, I realized I was still here. I had really hoped it was all just a dream. I can’t explain it; somehow, I woke up just hating everything about being here and determined to have a bad day. Part of me realized how ridiculous and counterproductive this would be, but the other part of me was too busy loathing the Army to even stop and wonder why. I just woke up on the wrong side of the tiny, tiny, tiny thing they call my bunk.

It was a premonition of doom, and damn it, I was doing to do my best to make sure everything that happened would be a disaster. Maybe it was something in the air because the rest of the Bay felt pretty much the same. We just hated life today. My bet? Nerves for Qualification Day screwed with our heads.

We started with a three mile “motivational run,” done in platoon formation, and the motivation is to stay in formation to avoid crippling humiliation from the DSs. One man started to fall back and the DS leading the cadence had us all sing the following in the nanny-nanny-boo-boo style: “Somebody’s not going to make it/ to Graduation Day/Weak bodies just can’t take it/*name*’s gonna have to stay…” Charming stuff, really. I finished the run without incident. But I still felt crappy about it. Just one of those pointless bad moods.

I qualified “Marksman” today. First try. Nothing to be proud of, unfortunately. Not “sharpshooter” or “expert.” But with more time and practice I’ll get that Expert badge. Needless to say, I felt crappy about this, too.

Maybe the real root of this little funk has been a growing frustration with the dynamics of my platoon. For all of BCT I’ve been very successful at flying under the DS radar. They still don’t know my name. Do it right, quickly and quietly, and they don’t even see you. I’ve also made a point to shut down my natural desire to take charge of things. NO leadership allowed. Trust me, I’ve had to bite my tongue a number of times to keep this personal promise.

Nobody grades you on leadership ability in BCT. They do in OCS. So I figure, what a great opportunity to sit back and watch how other people lead! Be on the other side for a while and see what works! And I’ve learned a lot about some very different styles. I prefer to focus on a positive style, building off of people’s pride. Try to build a strong esprit de corps. Most of you all have seen how I work, so I won’t really go into it. All I need to say is that it is drastically different than the style I see here.

Many of our “student leadership” have take the DSs as leadership role-models, not realizing that the DSs are here to “lead” in an entirely different kind of way. They’re here to tear you down, break you down, humiliate and destroy you. Your motivation is mostly based on fear. A man will do a lot out of fear, but he’ll do more out of pride. But so many guys here think a leader should scream and berate you for every second of hesitation or error. This style of “leadership “ is turning some of our boderline cases completely off. Every day we’re told that we’re complete crap by the DSs. I don’t know how these other guys came to the conclusion that they could motivate and inspire us to greater teamwork and effort by calling us crap on our off time. Good soldiers, but they could be horrible leaders. Tell a man he’s crap often enough and he’ll start to believe it. We need a victory, something to be proud of, and soon. We need positive reinforcement, no matter how false. We need dignity again. I can’t calm myself down about it. Stupid, stupid ideas of leadership. They just don’t understand what “motivation” is really all about. We don’t need more DSs. We need leaders of a different kind, who treat everyone as competent soldiers, consult us (or at least keep us well-informed), and who make a point of instilling some pride in us to pull us out of this downward spiral. The more we lose, the more we’re demoralized. The more we’re demoralized, the less change we have to win.

But enough gloom and doom. Sorry ot subject you all to my little rant; it’s just been building in me for a while. And this has still been a great learning experience. I know I’ll take ht lessons to OCS. Long story short, it’s been a crappy day. So I’m hitting the bunk so I can get that sweet beauty sleep that’s made me the sexy, shaved, bespectacled, and exhausted man I am today. Tomorrow will be better.

-Jeremy